A Long Weekend In The mountains Part 1

I left Dakeng, mid afternoon, on a scooter accompanied by two other bikes and a small car. Our destination, an unpronounceable national park in the mountains to the east. The three hour ride almost ended five minutes in as I was waving at my friend Wes while driving 60 km\h towards the red light of a busy intersection.

Soon we were winding our way through mountains and valleys of Taiwans interior. Everything not of man is green here, unlike the dusty north roads of Laos or the flat, fugly middle parts of Thailand through which you must pass on the way to it's various paradises. Here all the little roads are paved, the cut banks reinforced and the ditches concrete to keep it all so. There are lines on the road but more importantly, people pay attention to them. They even put mirrors on the sharper corners to prevent accidents (thank you). Winding up, down and around on my little scooter I quickly knew that this was the most beautiful place I had ever been. The green is amazing but not as amazing as the the amount of different trees and plants that it represents. From palms to bambo all the way through to varieties that must be related to the poplar and then straight up evergreens. With the little drive ways, cute colourful roadside houses and valley towns it seemed to me that I must be driving through a Miyazaki animation only I didn't notice any airships or wizards.

We stopped at a betel nut stand to pick up the last of our supplies and have a beer. The owner seemed friendly enough so one of the expats in our convoy (also named Josh) offered him some Redman chew telling him it is western betel nut. We talked amongst ourselves for a moment before noticing that the betel nut guy wasn't looking so well. Josh Too had neglected to inform our new friend to spit out the juice.

Up in the park we got moved into our third floor room. Made for eight people it had two bathrooms and large raised hardwood sleeping platform set up with thin cushions, pillows and blankets. As Wes and his wife Anne did their best to organize their things tidally in corners, I was content to let my backpack puke it's all into the middle of the sleeping platform to find my camera and pipe.

After a good amount of beer we set out to look for bugs (Wes' job). The first we came upon was a beetle, Wes explained, who's defense mechanism was to mix together two reacting chemicals and eject them at a temperature around 105 C. Wes demonstrated the fascinating nature of the insect by grabbing not one but two of them and cursing a lot as he put them into a vile whilst his fingers burnt. We searched a while longer and decided that the rest of the night would be better served visiting and settled down at a rock table on the edge of the woods. 

    

So This Is Taiwan

My first day in Taichung, Taiwan:

Woke up 

Coffee

Watched the Oilers stomp the Flames live

Mcdonalds for a double cheese burger

Went to Costco and bought socks, shoes and beer

If it weren't for all the Taiwanese people staring and pointing at me and the complete lack of giant pickup trucks with cow balls hanging of them I could swear I'm back in Alberta.   

Last Day Of Squirrel

After a month and a half of adventure I am releasing the squirrels into the wilds of Cambodia to fend for themselves. As I wish them the best of luck, I will be leaving Laos on what is sure to be a brutal fifteen hour bus ride back to Bangkok. After two nights of suck town I fly to Taiwan to visit some good friends. The field journal should stay active as I will still be having adventures and there are still a lot of Laos stories that have yet to be told.

Tracker Fail

So my amazing GPS tracking system hasn't been working very well. It requires lithium batteries which I just can't find over here so I have been jamming alkaline batteries into it which work for about an hour and then as they please after that. Luckily we have not been to that many place in the last three weeks so here are some sat maps for Don Det and Vang Vieng in Laos.

Trekking Part 3

The trekkers made it to the village, tired but upbeat. "The hardest thing I've ever done" was uttered more then once. Reports said that our drunken guide had the worst of it, often falling behind and pleading for the group to wait for him as they called him names and pressed on. 

Home for the night was a long house on a big hill over looking the village and valley below. The twenty foot tall deck was made of widely spaced bamboo under thin reed mats which always left you with the feeling that you were about to step through. Our bedroom for the night was three bug nets covering a half dozen thin sleeping pads. The shower was a plastic waste bin full of water and a smaller bucket to get the water over your head. The American and Swiss girls were less then impressed with our accommodations. I asked them what they had expected, knowing that they were going to stay in a mountain village with no power. The response was a silent stare to the tune of "your an asshole." 

It was on our sketchy deck with the amazing view were we met a nine year old girl named Dala. A little shy at first, Dala was soon climbing the wall of the our hut to show us how she could monkey across the room swinging from the rafters. She went and got her eight month old brother, bring him up the steep two by four stairs on her back. He looked to have clubbed feat and Chat told us that he would never walk, but impressively he could sit up and make pretty good time scooting across the floor on his bottom. 

Some ladies in traditional dress who I think were part of Dala's family came up to the deck with some handy crafts as Dala went to the kitchen area and started a fire and boiling water in preparation for our meal. The adults took over the cooking while we sat on the deck mats and played Bullshit. Dala flung herself on my back and held my cards randomly shouting out the numbers she knew in English. On top of being the loudest back pack I have ever had she also destroyed my no fail, Bullshit strategy.

Chat had took a long nap and slept off most of his drunk. A little humble and possibly embarrassed he helped serve us a fantastic meal of green curry chicken, soup, and freshly made chili sauce. The sun set and little Dala got some wood and made a fire in the brazier that centered the deck. We managed to procure a bag of brown looking weed and a bamboo bong sealed up with candle wax. Chat, still feeling helpful, brought us a big kitchen knife and wooden block for the chopping and sorting of materials. Candles were lit and stuck to flat rocks as the night got easy. The bong made its rounds always seemed to be lost as it wouldn't stand on it's own and had to leaned up against some thing if not in hand. Adriana got the quote of the night for, "I'm not sure if that is the bong or the deck." Short of rolling papers, Michaela voted me most useful for ability to painstakingly emptying the tobacco out of cigarettes and repacking them with the aid of a pipe cleaner.

There were lots of extra sleeping mats, pillows and blankets but there were very few bug nets in comparison so the group decided would sleep in a big pile, Wild Things style. Brock, Damian and I started reconfiguring the long house's gear, double stacking the thin mattress', adding extra pillows and blankets before reinstalling the bug nets.

Back out on the deck one of the girls asked what it was like in the new sleeping quarters. "Do you know the Tajma Hall?" She nodded in the affirmative. "Yeah well it's a shit hole compared to the pillowy, bambo, palace we have created." Everyone laughed and the illusion held for about ten minutes. There was a terrible screem from inside the hut. Damian and I ran over meeting Chat at the door. Tiff had found a big cockroach in her shoe and another on the wall.

It's funny how simple the formula for a good time is and how universal. You start with a deck/ beach/ campsite, stars, fire, good people and then season to taste with alcohol and whatever other party favors are available. It was hard looking forward from that deck knowing that eventually I would end up in a crowded city or beach bar somewhere, listening to a remix of a song that sucked in it's original form and had gotten worse in the mixing. I let the thought drift away for the decidedly happy present. We finished our night talking, laughing and inventing with our endless supply of empty beer cans, pipe cleaners and candle wax before crawling into our netted, tree fort palace.   

Vang Vieng, The Human Wasteland Factoid Sheet

FACTS:

Laos is still a Communist country

Vang Vieng is located in northern Laos.

Laos is one of the most fucked over countries in history. The long list of fuckers include France, Japan and most recently America. During the Vietnam War, the US dropped more bombs on Laos then were dropped in the entirety of WWII by both sides. 

The biggest tourist draw for Vang Vieng is river tubing. Backpackers rent tubes, get a ride to the top of the river, float ten or fifteen meters and then get stuck at the first bar they come too. Zip lines and rope swings drop people from the bars into the slow moving river. They drink buckets of Red Bull and whiskey, cups of opium tea and mushroom shakes all while eating Bob Marley pizza. During the course of the afternoon their tubes are inevitably stolen which cost them a deposit and if they are silly enough to go back to the rental place empty handed an additional fine. 

When starting a bar inside the township of Vang Vieng you have two choices for entertaining you customers. You can buy a box set of the television series Friends or Family Guy. I am not exaggerating when I say that 90% of the bars play one of these two show all day every day with the remaining 10% playing soccer or sometimes music.  

Vang Vieng is Laos' revenge on the youth of the developed world for 120 years of douche moves.   

Proof of revenge scheme in approximate cnd prices:

• Liter of beer - $1-2
• 26 of whiskey (at a store) - $0.90
• Pack of cigarettes - $0.45
• Mushrooms, weed, yaba, opium prepared in a drink or as food. Available at EVERY BAR - $10-12
• Scooter - Under $4 a day
• River access - $2 ride to the top
• Rope swings/ziplines from bars, into river - $0
• Family Guy - $0
• Pack of three condoms - $15 

This Communist spring break ensures that anyone who survives and finds the willpower to leave will have a constant reminder of their trip in the form of: Drug or alcohol habits, liver damage, broken limbs, cancer, STI, an unplanned pregnancy and/or finally brain damage due to drugs/ drowning/ drunk driving accident. 

Mommas, don't let your babies grow up to visit Commies. 

Mom, Please Don't Read This

I had drunkenly waved good by to the Dirt Squirrels Chinese, New Years morning. I had a ticket back to Bangkok but the fantastic night had left me incapable of packing and unsuitable for an extended journey. I caught back up with them two days later. Tyler still wasn't drinking and while I'm sure he is a great sober, human being, his new quiet self was detrimentally impacting my little project. It was 11:30 pm and the Squirrels were going to bed after some good live music at a street cafe. Patpong road was my trump card and I played it knowing that the Squirrels could not resist the temptation of naked girls in dark dingy bars. Having heard stories from other travelers, I knew that this would be a dicey operation so I  dropped everything in the room taking only the camera with a fresh memory card.

We arrived on the in the red light district and were quickly talked into a bar for a "show."  200 baut for a small beer is ridiculously expensive (about $7 cnd) but there was a one drink minimum. I think it was about when the old naked lady on stage started pulling a string of razor blades out somewhere razor blades ought not be pulled from and then cut some people shapes out of a folded piece paper. I ended up buying those paper people because there was three of them and three of us. Memories. The show continued, culminating with the ping pong show. Ping pong balls flew around the bar as customers with paddles tried to return the... serves. We decided to move on.

Quote of the night goes to a bar sign we saw, "50 gorgeous girls and a few ugly ones too." A promoter managed to lure us into a bar with the promise of 100 baut beer and no cover charge. I repeated this to every employee we met on the way up having heard a lot of horror stories about tourist traps\scams on Patpong. They all agreed that that was the deal. Inside the bar was super dingy and run down even for a strip club. The girls looked sad on top of being unanimously unattractive. The shows were a poor imitation of what we had already seen at the first bar.

A waitress came around and asked us to pay. We moved to the counter deciding to hit the road. The bill was over 3000 baut ($100 cnd).

"Were not paying that" I said.  "We will pay for the beer." The squirrels were looking nervous. I asked the boys to pull out 100 baut each for their beer.

"You saw pussy, you pay now!" Insisted the one of three bartender ladies. Tyler pulled out 1000 baut.

"I don't have any hundreds." he said looking concerned. On of the bartenders took the 1000 from him and I instantly grabbed it and gave it back to him.

"I she takes that you won't get it back." I was starting to get mad.

"You saw pussy, you pay!" The girl repeted.

"100 baut a beer and no cover" I would repeat pointing to the beer money that Damian and I had scraped together. They weren't acknowledging what I was saying.

"You saw pussy, you pay!" She insisted one last time.

"Get fucked!" I roared waving my hands around a bit just in case there was a language barrier. They understood something because all three bartenders gasped and talked really fast between each other. "Let's go Squirrels." I continued grabbing my beer and heading for the door. I went from a little worried to a lot worried when I saw a waitress running towards the big, previously unnoticed, metal door. She got to the door just before us. I was pretty sure we were fucked. As we neared the door something remarkable happened, she opened the door. We quickly made our way down the stairs and past the door men at the street level.

We walked quickly for a block without talking. Ran up to a street bar, bought a Heineken and slammed it. We laughed and retold the story that just happened as the framework of Patpongs night market was ripped down boxed and loaded by forklifts into a back alley. We found a tuk tuk and told them that we needed to get away fast. The driver was young and understood. Off the line he popped the first of many wheelies and tore off into the Bangkok night.

I had accomplished my mission and got Tyler drinking again and we had escaped one of the oldest tourist traps in Bangkok. All in all, a proper adventure.