Monday, February 6, 2012

Vang Vieng, The Human Wasteland Factoid Sheet

FACTS:

Laos is still a Communist country

Vang Vieng is located in northern Laos.

Laos is one of the most fucked over countries in history. The long list of fuckers include France, Japan and most recently America. During the Vietnam War, the US dropped more bombs on Laos then were dropped in the entirety of WWII by both sides. 

The biggest tourist draw for Vang Vieng is river tubing. Backpackers rent tubes, get a ride to the top of the river, float ten or fifteen meters and then get stuck at the first bar they come too. Zip lines and rope swings drop people from the bars into the slow moving river. They drink buckets of Red Bull and whiskey, cups of opium tea and mushroom shakes all while eating Bob Marley pizza. During the course of the afternoon their tubes are inevitably stolen which cost them a deposit and if they are silly enough to go back to the rental place empty handed an additional fine. 

When starting a bar inside the township of Vang Vieng you have two choices for entertaining you customers. You can buy a box set of the television series Friends or Family Guy. I am not exaggerating when I say that 90% of the bars play one of these two show all day every day with the remaining 10% playing soccer or sometimes music.  

Vang Vieng is Laos' revenge on the youth of the developed world for 120 years of douche moves.   

Proof of revenge scheme in approximate cnd prices:

  • Liter of beer - $1-2
  • 26 of whiskey (at a store) - $0.90
  • Pack of cigarettes - $0.45
  • Mushrooms, weed, yaba, opium prepared in a drink or as food. Available at EVERY BAR - $10-12
  • Scooter - Under $4 a day
  • River access - $2 ride to the top
  • Rope swings/ziplines from bars, into river - $0
  • Family Guy - $0
  • Pack of three condoms - $15 

This Communist spring break ensures that anyone who survives and finds the willpower to leave will have a constant reminder of their trip in the form of: Drug or alcohol habits, liver damage, broken limbs, cancer, STI, an unplanned pregnancy and/or finally brain damage due to drugs/ drowning/ drunk driving accident. 

Mommas, don't let your babies grow up to visit Commies. 

1 comment:

  1. ... don't forget getting set up by the local police after buying said drugs and getting taken to the cleaners for $500-$1000+ in "fines"!

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